I had a sudden revelation this morning in church, and, oddly enough, it directly impacts my blog. It was one of those "this is what you're supposed to be doing with your life" moments, and it gave me the chills. Totally out of the blue, too.
But the end result is that I'm closing this blog down and starting up a new one--one that's a little less self-focused, purposeless, pretentious, and, well, again, all about me.
Here's the link.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Parenting, pt. 4
So I actually covered part of this in the last post . . . when it comes to an organic process, sometimes it's hard to strictly separate out different steps. They all sort of flow from one to the other.
But the last step I've found to this is Direction. And that's just following up your strategic thinking with strategic action. You see the challenges your kids will face, the parts of their personalities that will be stretched the most in the next stages, and you create opportunities for growth and teachable moments that can begin to move your kids toward maturity in these areas.
My daughter had a very definite view of the how the world Should Be, and sometimes it's very hard for her to adjust to the world As It Is. So I create small opportunities for her to learn to be a little more flexible in her approach to life. One of the things I've done is made sure I regularly serve food she's not a fan of, just to help her learn obedience in small things and to learn to deal with not always having things her way. And that it's OK that Liam messes up her organization, especially when she organizes things that aren't hers! It's not a big thing, but it helps build in her a certain way of looking at life. Small steps are easiest to teach, I think.
So that's it, really. Just OCD parenting (joke!). It's not reactive parenting, and when I find myself reacting, feeling out of control, and I pray, 9 times out of 10 God will tell me I'm not taking the time to think about my kids, and so I'm not prepared for them. If you have a strategy before the problem hits (or before it hits next time), you have a new default setting (a new automatic response) that can take over, instead of your old reactive setting. So it's not reacting to your kids, but being proactive: thoughtfully and prayerfully watching them, thinking about them, and then directing them on a path that fits them and moves them toward maturity. Easier said than done, that's for sure. But it helps to have something concrete to work toward!
What about you? What parenting advice do you give out, or was given to you? Believe me, I'd love to hear it. I, for one, have a long way to go!
But the last step I've found to this is Direction. And that's just following up your strategic thinking with strategic action. You see the challenges your kids will face, the parts of their personalities that will be stretched the most in the next stages, and you create opportunities for growth and teachable moments that can begin to move your kids toward maturity in these areas.
My daughter had a very definite view of the how the world Should Be, and sometimes it's very hard for her to adjust to the world As It Is. So I create small opportunities for her to learn to be a little more flexible in her approach to life. One of the things I've done is made sure I regularly serve food she's not a fan of, just to help her learn obedience in small things and to learn to deal with not always having things her way. And that it's OK that Liam messes up her organization, especially when she organizes things that aren't hers! It's not a big thing, but it helps build in her a certain way of looking at life. Small steps are easiest to teach, I think.
So that's it, really. Just OCD parenting (joke!). It's not reactive parenting, and when I find myself reacting, feeling out of control, and I pray, 9 times out of 10 God will tell me I'm not taking the time to think about my kids, and so I'm not prepared for them. If you have a strategy before the problem hits (or before it hits next time), you have a new default setting (a new automatic response) that can take over, instead of your old reactive setting. So it's not reacting to your kids, but being proactive: thoughtfully and prayerfully watching them, thinking about them, and then directing them on a path that fits them and moves them toward maturity. Easier said than done, that's for sure. But it helps to have something concrete to work toward!
What about you? What parenting advice do you give out, or was given to you? Believe me, I'd love to hear it. I, for one, have a long way to go!
Parenting, pt. 3
OK, so Christmas got the better of me. That, and filling out applications and financial aid applications for Ph.D. programs. Essays, essays, essays . . . and all about what I want to do with my life, when I have so little idea of what that is! Ah, well. I'm thankful God's got that covered. It's pretty intimidating for me to consider.
And now, on to the second part of what I've learned about parenting. The first was learning to watch my kids, to get to know them. The second is Contemplate, which is basically the acronym-appropriate way to say that you set yourself to think deliberately and strategically about them.
As I get to know my kids, I start to notice their strengths and weaknesses, and I learn more and more about the stage of development each is at. So the next thing I have to do is consider what I know about them and set it next to what I know about life, my own experiences, those of my husband, the stages of development my kids are in and those they're moving into, and consider what challenges, victories, learning opportunities, and general growing up my kids will experience now and in the future.
For example, my daughter is a perfectionist. So one of my goals for her is to help her not fear failure, that she will learn to have the courage to try new things, even if she's not good at them yet, and not give up just because she doesn't succeed the first try. My son, on the other hand, sees failure as a personal challenge, an affront to him because he didn't win. So my challenge is to help him understand that just because it's there doesn't mean he has to win over it right now. Sometimes it's better to wait until you're properly equipped to handle the situation--like a 7-month-old trying to climb the stairs by himself. Not safe. Failing just made him want it more!
Those are long-term goals. Short-terms goals are important, too. My daughter lives in her own world, a very imaginative world. She gets it from me, so I really understand how important it is for her to get out and do physically active things, to learn active games like basketball, soccer, etc., just to learn the skills of teamwork, competition, etc. My son, on the other hand, lives very much in this physical world, so I'm trying to gradually teach him that it's OK to have quiet time and that playing by yourself for a few minutes is a good skill for you and those around you! He's 25 lbs, and wants nothing more than constant attention, games, and being held around the house. We're working on expanding his repertoire of skills. These kind of short-terms goals are things you can work on as part of a game with your kids: teaching them to catch (hand-eye coordination) or jump (balance), to sing or to take turns playing.
The key is to look at your kids now and to look ahead for them and help prepare them for the future. My goal is to grow healthy, responsible adults. My prayer is that they love Jesus, too. That's a continual bit of teaching and role-modeling, and the most demanding and intimidating. It's a whole new world of thinking to figure out how to talk about Christmas and Easter to a very sensitive 2-yr-old, to role-play Bible stories and remember children's songs about the Bible and set about to deliberately, strategically instill that in my kids. It's hard, because I want it to be real, to be honest, and to be God-led, not me-led. And that's the toughest part about parenting. It's more and more about God doing his thing through me, teaching me the skills and the way to think, but letting his strength, his love, and his kingdom life be what drives and forms my parenting and my life.
And now, on to the second part of what I've learned about parenting. The first was learning to watch my kids, to get to know them. The second is Contemplate, which is basically the acronym-appropriate way to say that you set yourself to think deliberately and strategically about them.
As I get to know my kids, I start to notice their strengths and weaknesses, and I learn more and more about the stage of development each is at. So the next thing I have to do is consider what I know about them and set it next to what I know about life, my own experiences, those of my husband, the stages of development my kids are in and those they're moving into, and consider what challenges, victories, learning opportunities, and general growing up my kids will experience now and in the future.
For example, my daughter is a perfectionist. So one of my goals for her is to help her not fear failure, that she will learn to have the courage to try new things, even if she's not good at them yet, and not give up just because she doesn't succeed the first try. My son, on the other hand, sees failure as a personal challenge, an affront to him because he didn't win. So my challenge is to help him understand that just because it's there doesn't mean he has to win over it right now. Sometimes it's better to wait until you're properly equipped to handle the situation--like a 7-month-old trying to climb the stairs by himself. Not safe. Failing just made him want it more!
Those are long-term goals. Short-terms goals are important, too. My daughter lives in her own world, a very imaginative world. She gets it from me, so I really understand how important it is for her to get out and do physically active things, to learn active games like basketball, soccer, etc., just to learn the skills of teamwork, competition, etc. My son, on the other hand, lives very much in this physical world, so I'm trying to gradually teach him that it's OK to have quiet time and that playing by yourself for a few minutes is a good skill for you and those around you! He's 25 lbs, and wants nothing more than constant attention, games, and being held around the house. We're working on expanding his repertoire of skills. These kind of short-terms goals are things you can work on as part of a game with your kids: teaching them to catch (hand-eye coordination) or jump (balance), to sing or to take turns playing.
The key is to look at your kids now and to look ahead for them and help prepare them for the future. My goal is to grow healthy, responsible adults. My prayer is that they love Jesus, too. That's a continual bit of teaching and role-modeling, and the most demanding and intimidating. It's a whole new world of thinking to figure out how to talk about Christmas and Easter to a very sensitive 2-yr-old, to role-play Bible stories and remember children's songs about the Bible and set about to deliberately, strategically instill that in my kids. It's hard, because I want it to be real, to be honest, and to be God-led, not me-led. And that's the toughest part about parenting. It's more and more about God doing his thing through me, teaching me the skills and the way to think, but letting his strength, his love, and his kingdom life be what drives and forms my parenting and my life.
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